Welcome to My Study

I’m officially done with my second year at Uni. Handing in my last few essays was a big relief. I am really looking forward to being done with Uni and getting out of that college. This year has been the most stressful one yet…and definitely the most discouraging one in regards to uni life and whatnot. First term I really worked hard at trying to have a good attitude with stuff at Uni but someone can only be beat down so many times before it’s too much to get back up. I’m done trying with Uni as it all seems like chasing after the wind. Now, I by no way am saying everyone there is horrible, there are a handful of really great people and lecturers there, but in general there is a depressing spirit that looms over the place. The fusion of business and ministry is so messed up-where business matters are “settled” like ministry matters and vice versa. I’ve never felt more discouraged with ministry and church in my entire life. I look back and view it all and I can’t believe that THIS is what God wanted, I can’t look think that THIS is why Jesus came. This, this whatever this is, is something I don’t want to be apart of. 

Christian communities are suppose to be accepting, they are suppose to be loving, they are suppose to be there for guidance and correction. Where there are no outcasts, where everyone has a role and feels welcomed. Not this messed up political oriented setting where the “shining stars” are all that matters, where the outcasts are outcasts and its stays that way. Where people are shunned because they make the world their community not just one town or village. The world has taken a turn for the worse and Christians, where are they? Looking after number one like the rest of the world. In this mess there is a remnant of people, people who see this mess and don’t want to be apart of it, a remnant that God will use to bring the church out of this mess. 

But this, this whatever this is, is something I don’t want to be apart of—this is not what the Church should be like. Is there hope? Is there any strength left? I’m looking for hope and I’m looking for strength but none of it comes from the Church. 

I love music! I love playing music, listening to music, going to gigs, its so much fun!Music has always been my biggest passion, and it’s a passion God gave me. I’ve been really down for a while and one of the biggest reasons is because the music has stopped….I’ve not had a proper out let for being creative with music. I loved being in bands when I was in Indiana. I remember being in one called Subject to Change, that was so much fun. We were a church bands playing for a youth ministry but it was really creative and free! I remember we played in a parade…hook a system up to a generator, stood on the back of a trailer and played a several songs while we road along! 

My other band, Forty Days til Dawn, was great. We were a metal band…well, we didn’t start out like that, at first we were kind of bordering emo, then we wised up! But after several months we got the right mix of people and were able to play some shows and really for a good while we probably had a few shows a month for a several months, just playing anywhere and everywhere. It was cool being a Christian band playing with non-christians. It really opened doors to talk to people.

I loved going to this festival called Alive Festival in Ohio…its was a really beautiful place with woods and a big lake with a beach. There would be 20,000 people there for 4 days but it never felt crowded, never stressful, and I loved it. I miss it. It had a really homie feel to it. You are just relaxed when you are there.

I miss it, i miss music being a missive part of my life, because it’s a massive part of me and it seems like its just dying away. 

Well, a week ago I finished my last class of the term and spend the last week on campus doing research for my essay on the book of Daniel. The research has been trying and draining but the findings are interesting and though provoking. 

I left campus Friday afternoon, moved out of halls and won’t ever be living in halls again. It’s a big strange leaving a place for good that has been your home for 2 years more or less. But I mean, it’s also really nice because my room was the size of a homeless man’s box…okay thats a bit extreme, its definitely the size of  poor mans walk in closet at least! That’s fair, fair enough. I walked away from a lot of memories, and I walked away feeling good to be done with that part of life. I hated halls, every minuet of it. I never felt comfortable there. But I still had good memories there,  good times playing pranks, good times playing hunts outside at night, good times sneaking about in secret passages. Nevertheless as I walked away I thought about two years worth of memories-thoughts-feelings-experiences and when I look back I’ve been very stressed very displeased with how things have/had been working out.

I’ve realised I’ve simply exhausted and worn out with never feeling like anything is stable…like the future is a big ole wobbly mess of goo! Each day is uncertain…each day I don’t know if I win or lose or have the motivation to even care which is happening. This may sound selfish but honestly I think I’ve been through enough crap in life and I think I deserve a better more stable future. I’ve always tried to give myself over to God so that he can use me and my gifts and everything for him, but it seems like either one or two things happen 1. I am able to do something but it doesn’t feel genuine, doesn’t feel like I’m really apart, just merely doing a job and thats it and 2. I am used and cheated out and pushed out because I refuse to conform and keep my mouth shut when I see and notice injustice. 

The last class I had at Uni for this year was about the Prophets…and if you know anything about the Biblical prophets they were people who God called to warn Israel when they were drifting too far away from God, they called the people to act justly, to seek righteousness, to return to God, or else all hell will break loose and their entire way of life will be destroyed. Prophets, on many accounts hated being prophets…okay maybe not hate, but Elijah wanted to die because he was nothing but a whistle blower and the people hated him…Jesus was hated in his home town and hated by many…Jonah also wanted to just die..why? because being a Prophet is a lonely, hard road, where many people will not like you because of who you are, because you know you have to make a stand against the religious authority when they go to far. And to be honest, I have that attitude, that attitude of a prophet. 

Why don’t people like me at Uni? Because when something is wrong I say something-I don’t just let people walk all over people and when injustice is going on in the name of God I despise those “in charge” who let things go on that should be stopped.

Why did the youth pastor at my first church hate me? Because I wasn’t afraid to say I don’t agree with things…and what happened he tried pushing me out, to a point where I called him out for it and left.

Why do people have issues with me? Because I’m not afraid to call them out when they are wrong and for that, for standing up for what is right everything is that much harder every single day. And you know what, I’m tired of it. You look at people, truly just wicked people and try to understand why everything is so perfectly laid out for them, but for those who really care nothing is.

I say nothing, but I guess I don’t really mean nothing. As I do know God always has something. Problem is, who do the prophets have to go to when they are down? Nobody, just God. I at least have a few physical people I can speak with, but the problem over all is, the people who should care, the people who have a paid responsibility to care, don’t seem to care at all, and that, is truly disheartening. I am disheartened, I feel like Elijah while he’s on the run, like Jonah, furious that God didn’t punish Nineveh, Jesus over whelmed with his responsibility in the garden.  

I don’t feel like I have a place, I don’t feel like there is anywhere I am needed or even wanted. I don’t feel like there is any point in trying, I feel like giving up on these dreams, because I’m just so sick feeling like everything is so unstable and unsure!